n00b

May 9, 2011

I am officially spun out of control after discovering my fatal error when not recognizing which top 100 list I actually wanted to use, in my gaming quest to play ’em all. I have a pile of used Playstation One games(recently purchased) that have completely dropped out of not only the top 100, but astonishingly the top 200 games! These turds are worthless to me now!

While the error of my ways is incredibly aggravating and embarrassing, its a sensation in this mental state of mind I’m quite familiar with. Yes it’s as bad as it sounds, when it comes to blogging, I am a complete newb(nub, nubbin, newbie, fucking doucher.) Its a disgraceful time period when undertaking any new activity in ones life. It’s when one is simply is too much of newcomer to even realize what a piece of shit they sound and look like.

N00bdom is inevitable in most circumstances, but whats scarier is that some folks just never leave this conscious(or shall I say unconscious) state of existence. Noobs are everywhere, doing everything, and that makes this world we live in incredibly terrifying. To help all the fucking n00bs(something that is frowned upon in the gaming world) that don’t fully understand what a newb is, I’ll provide some examples off the top of my head.

  • In the Halo series if you prefer using anything that is in the Covenant armory to any regular Human device provided, you my friend are a fucking noob and should kill yourself. I’d rather beat a foe down with my empty BR than pick up a fucking plasma rifle. There is only one thing worse than using ELITE weapons, and that’s using BRUTE weaponry. If you ever once enjoyed using a Spiker at any point during the entire HALO franchise series, you can go straight hell, and may god show mercy on your soul.
    No. Don’t. Just Keep running. You’re better than that… right?
  • I had been playing a lot of ModNation Racers before the PS Network went down(still waiting for Sony to flip the on switch btw). This game is about racing your own customized karts and characters: body style, frame, parts, and paint jobs. MNR has a commons area I can only compare to most foyers found in high schools across America. Its called the ModSpot, and it’s where all the racers kick it to show off their fucking gnarly and often times intricate paint jobs to one another between races. It’s the chill spot, you know to chill and talk Mods. I’ve entered said ModSpot at least 200 times over my short-lived MNR career and I do believe 100% of the time I’ve been obnoxiously crashed into with karts  while minding my own business peaceably. In the ModSpot everyone’s rank is displayed above their head, these cock bites that get a kick out of crashing into innocent bystanders are undoubtedly newbs and their rank often reveals that to world instantly. Fucking Noobs, leave me alone, and no I will not dload your bullshit emo, anime, half-assed Mods and  Karts you fucking loser.
  • The main character from the Sandlot is a grade A noob. From that fucking god awful fishing hat with the long bill, to his wretched baseball knowledge. It’s amazing that this never been kissed bitch, was able to actually befriend even Squints, let alone the ultra cool Benny The Jet. I can only imagine how many times Dennis Leary’s character(The Step Dad) beat the shit outta that little bastard after a long hard days work. It’s “The Great Bambino!” for fucks sake.
  • If you think you’re clever because you beat me(which you never EVER will) with E. Honda’s turbo punches, or Chun Li’s turbo kicks, you are in fact a noob that deserves a turbo kick in the nuts.
    Even He’s disgusted you would use him for such dubious acts against humnaity.
  • If when playing any sports games competitively you use any of the following entities without legitimately being a fan previously, you are a rotten-filthy-fair-weather-scum-of-the-earth NOOB.  The Lakers, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods, Mike Vick(you dirty cheezing fucks, you know who you are), any player that’s on the cover of the game, Barcelona,  The current World Champion__________, The All Jordan Team, The Seattle Super Sonics in NBA Jam T.E., or Bo Jackson.
  • While selecting a character in the GoldenEye multiplayer screen you for even an instance thought Odd Job was a reasonable or usable player, stop, walk away from the Nintendo 64, and reevaluate your life, you piece of shit noob.
  • If you know it’s called the n00btube and you use it anyways… *sigh* *shakes head*
  • Are you surprised that Yoshi is somebody else’s favorite character in Mario Kart? Fuck you. nob.
  • Man I love the Star Wars Trilogy. If you found yourself even contemplating “Which one? or “isn’t there two?” Please swallow the whole bottle of pills next time. Nub.
  • Do you wonder why I keep spelling noob differently? Die.

It’s important to know we are all noobs in some facet or another. Its how we embrace that fact when we finally recognize our noobness that counts. All Nubs need to be met with extreme hate until they smarten up and do better not only for themselves but for their communities. Please strive to do better at whatever it is you love to do.

Love,

Wade a.k.a recovering newb video game blogger

P.S. God Bless!

Don’t even think about picking this fuckface. NOOB!
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